[thanhcoc]

Như tít
Với mục đích nâng cao trình độ tiếng anh của anh em. E lập topic này nhằm kêu gọi các bác bro về tiếng anh có thể giúp anh em voz bay cao hơn xa hơn trong việc viết 1 bài essay. Các bạn có thể post bài essay vào đây và 1 bro nào đó sẽ sửa ạ. E ngu lắm nên e xin làm thàn phần post bài

[thanhcoc]

Em xin phép post trước 1 bài
If you could change one important thing in your hometown, what would you change? Use the reasons and specific example to support your answer
Bài của e đây ạ ( e mới bắt đầu học xin các bác đừng)
My hometown is a small province in Viet Nam. The people have a high life but they don’t have a place which spends their money and playing together because the entertainment in there is very poor. So, if I could change one important think in your hometown, I would build an amusement park.
First of all, the entertainment places in your hometown are very poor. On the days last of weekend, the people want to amusement places to playing together or relax but they don’t know where they will go. If I would build an amusement park, the parents have a place to playing with your children and the group friends have a place to organize picnics or mark ceremony.
The second, A huge amusement park would be attractive many people from others provinces. They come here for their entertainment and find the interesting things that their hometown doesn’t have. They would be paid for their entertainment and we would have big money.
The third reason for a huge amusement park is attractive investor. If your hometown has a huge amusement, it would be have big attention and many investors would be care about it and see many chances to investment. The economics would be raise up.
There are many ways to change my hometown and I choice to build a huge amusement parks. It would be places which people could be playing and mark ceremony…and attractive many people who go to there for their entertainment or investors who want to invest there

[doanhoangdan]

Originally Posted by thanhcoc

Em xin phép post trước 1 bài
If you could change one important thing in your hometown, what would you change? Use the reasons and specific example to support your answer
Bài của e đây ạ ( e mới bắt đầu học xin các bác đừng)
My hometown is a small province in Viet Nam. The people have a high life but they don’t have a place which can spends their money and playing together because the entertainment in there is very poor. So, if I could change one important think in your hometown, I would build an amusement park.
First of all, the entertainment places in your hometown are very poor. On the days last of weekend, the people want to amusement places to playing together or relax but they don’t know where they will go. If I would build an amusement park, the parents have a place to playing with your children and the group friends have a place to organize picnics or mark ceremony.
The second, A huge amusement park would be attractive many people from others provinces. They come here for their entertainment and find the interesting things that their hometown doesn’t have. They would be paid for their entertainment and we would have big money.
The third reason for a huge amusement park is attractive investor. If your hometown has a huge amusement, it would be have big attention and many investors would be care about it and see many chances to investment. The economics would be raise up.
There are many ways to change my hometown and I choice to build a huge amusement parks. It would be places which people could be playing and mark ceremony…and attractive many people who go to there for their entertainment or investors who want to invest there

câu văn hơi lủn củn, từ lặp lại nhiều quá
Mình cũng không phải giỏi gì nên ko phải múa rìu qua mắt thợ nhé vì mình cũng đang học IELTS và cũng cần những chia sẻ như thế này. Thanks

[thanhcoc]

thanks bạn nhiều. Có j bạn cứ nhận xét thẳng và sửa luôn cho mình

[tuanhung303]

mình nghĩ là... bạn nên viết lại bài này. Người ta hỏi mình là reasons, nên tập trung vào benefits thì hay hơn. 2 ý cuối là attract hay stimulate tourists/tourism là ok nhưng ý đầu vẫn hơi tối chút.

On the days last of weekend -> on the weekend là đc rồi

the people want to amusement places to playing together or relax but they don’t know where they will go. -> An amusement is important because inhabitants need a place to refresh themselves after a hard working week.

If there is an amusement park, people can gather their friends or family to have picnic or party together.

vài ý sau có vẻ hơi gắng gượng. cố gắng viết càng gọn càng tốt thì ok

[daha]

nhiều lỗi quá bạn ạ

- people ko có the
- ko dùng high life
- which can spends their money and playing: to spend and play
- think in your hometown: thing in my hometown
- in your hometown: in my hometown
- days last of weekend: bản thân weekend là cuối tuần rồi, với cả last days chứ ko phải days last
- want to amusement places: muốn làm gì chứ?
- to playing: to play
- If I would build an amusement park, the parents have a place: xem lại mẫu câu if
- playing with your children: play with their children
- would be attractive: attractive to
- others provinces: other provinces
- They would be paid: cái này ko phải bị động
- attractive investor: to attract investors
- If your hometown has a huge amusement, it would be have big attention and many investors would be care about it and see many chances to investment: xem lại mẫu câu if
- raise: nếu là bị động thì là raised
- choice: choose
- a huge amusement parks, It would be places: lẫn lộn số ít và số nhiều
- which people could be playing: where people could play
- attractive many people who go to: attract many people to go

[traichuoixanh]

làm sao để viết tiếng anh tốt nhỉ, em nghe nói thì được, viết thì không ra hồn gì cả