English jokes - new post every day

[zzchaolegionzz]

Here we go, let's post the joke you found it interesting in the text format only.


Reddit is my favorites source, here is my first one:

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.:shoot1:
"Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!" he yelled with surprising forcefulness. No one answered.:no:
"Alright, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I dun in Texas!" :doublegun:
Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post. He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, before you go... what happened in Texas?" The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home." :rofl:

[<Loading>]

Search Youtube 'Mind your Language'. 226552

[BanChaiSach]

Here we go, let's post the joke you found it interesting in the text format only.


Reddit is my favorites source, here is my first one:

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.:shoot1:
"Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!" he yelled with surprising forcefulness. No one answered.:no:
"Alright, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I dun in Texas!" :doublegun:
Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post. He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, before you go... what happened in Texas?" The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home." :rofl:


:byebye::byebye::gach:

[zzchaolegionzz]

Search Youtube 'Mind your Language'. 226552


No man, ain't nobody got time for that. We want it here, in text, aren't we?

[sitrum2504]

Search Youtube 'Mind your Language'. 226552
:gach::gach: tks man

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[buffpro]

I'm too lazy for reading your wall-of-text :canny:

[zzchaolegionzz]

I'm too lazy for reading your wall-of-text :canny:
But you will remember it for a long time, cause what you imagined from that story is your.
Next one:

A man is talking to God...



https://www.redditstatic.com/desktop2x/img/renderTimingPixel.png

“God, how long is a million years?”
God answers, “To me, it’s about a minute.”
“God, how much is a million dollars?”
“To me, it’s a penny.”
“God, may I have a penny?”
“Wait a minute.”

[__AND1__]

There were two peanuts walking down a dark alley, one was assaulted

:lol::lol::look_down:

[zzchaolegionzz]

There were two peanuts walking down a dark alley, one was assaulted

:lol::lol::look_down:
I tried, but I don't get it :sexy:

[Anzujaamu]

https://pics.me.me/hi-jack-im-jack-well-if-you-say-so-28484686.png

[bocautrang]

just get the keyword "how to laugh" in youtube, you will see the dumb guy shows you the way and you'll laugh because it's bullshit as fuck

[chip.hyt.chip]

Here we go, let's post the joke you found it interesting in the text format only.


Reddit is my favorites source, here is my first one:

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.:shoot1:
"Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!" he yelled with surprising forcefulness. No one answered.:no:
"Alright, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I dun in Texas!" :doublegun:
Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post. He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, before you go... what happened in Texas?" The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home." :rofl:







dude, where did you hide your joke? :ops:

via vozForums (https://itunes.apple.com/app/id1269155623) for iPhone

[__AND1__]

I tried, but I don't get it :sexy:

There were two peanuts walking down a dark alley, one was A SALTED :gach:

[lam17]

Come on ,bros. I will read all of your stories

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[zzchaolegionzz]

Come on ,bros. I will read all of your stories
Sent from Xiaomi Redmi Note 2 using vozFApp (http://forums.voz.vn/redirect/index.php?link=http%3A%2F%2Fbit.ly%2Fvozfapp)
Yeah yeah
A man asked his wife if she can make him something to eat.
And she replied "Do I look like a fucking cook to you?".
A little later he asked if she has washed his favorite shirt.
She replied "Do I look like a fucking maid to you?"
Some time later the wife left and came home after a few hours. She was surprised to see a beautiful dinner waiting for her and all the dirty clothes were washed and folded.
She called to her husband. "Honey did you do all this for me?"
Husband: "No. The lady next door heard us earlier and after you left, offered to help me do all those things I asked you to do in exchange for either fixing her car or fucking her brains out."
Wife: "So did you fix her car?"
Husband: "Do I look like a fucking mechanic to you?"


There were two peanuts walking down a dark alley, one was A SALTED :gach:
Play on words:sogood: fine, thank bro


dude, where did you hide your joke? :ops:
via vozForums (http://forums.voz.vn/redirect/index.php?link=https%3A%2F%2Fitunes.apple.com%2Fapp%2Fid1269155623) for iPhone
He scares everyone by "Alright, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I dun in Texas!" . Actually, he did nothing scary in Texas, he just "I had to walk home."

[zzchaolegionzz]

It seems that a topic within 100% English doesn't attracts vozer. Daed thread.

[ntuandat]

At the very beginning seeing this thread, I hope to get relax with English Jokes here.
However, only 2 were delivered :(.
Please keep this thread.

[Bonhanu]

This is great. Keep up the good work. Now lemme try

What do you call a deer which lost his two eyes?

No idea

[taliban06]

I want to learn new words. About the method, i'll use postcard. But about vocabulary, i dont know how to learn, follow topic or random words ?

Gửi từ Nokia 8.1 bằng vozFApp (http://bit.ly/vozfapp)

[ngdhieu]

He didn’t want to be there, because:

1.) It cut into his tv watching and fast food gobbling “executive time.”

2.) Other world leaders ignore him. They won’t talk to him or listen to him.

3.) His speeches draw either silence or laughter. Trump expects and needs cheering and praise.

4.) He didn’t understand what was going on. He knew nothing about the topics being discussed, and had no interest in educating himself about said issues.

5.) No one agreed with him that his master, Putin, should be readmitted to the summits.

6.) No one thought his bed bug infested country club would be the perfect place for the next summit.

Trump is only interested in bragging about himself, and filling his own pockets with money. That’s it. The other world leaders find him stupid, uneducated, and a liar.

His fragile ego can’t stand that, so he just sat in his high chair and pouted - when he showed up at all.
https://qph.fs.quoracdn.net/main-qimg-38606b76f3f1215b6fa56e2e0e5f3cdf-c
https://2.pik.vn/2019e14ed161-fe4a-4b84-93fc-9a68c90ff0f5.webp

[Black Anaconda]

Q: What do you call a deer that can't see?
A: No "eye deer."
https://i.imgur.com/qZV215Z.pnghttps://i.imgur.com/qZV215Z.png

[Cho_Chuc_Tat_Ao]

Yeah yeah
A man asked his wife if she can make him something to eat.
And she replied "Do I look like a fucking cook to you?".
A little later he asked if she has washed his favorite shirt.
She replied "Do I look like a fucking maid to you?"
Some time later the wife left and came home after a few hours. She was surprised to see a beautiful dinner waiting for her and all the dirty clothes were washed and folded.
She called to her husband. "Honey did you do all this for me?"
Husband: "No. The lady next door heard us earlier and after you left, offered to help me do all those things I asked you to do in exchange for either fixing her car or fucking her brains out."
Wife: "So did you fix her car?"
Husband: "Do I look like a fucking mechanic to you?"





How bad it is... I/we've tried to understand jokes in English, however they are so bad language.:pudency::pudency:

[Putanginamo]

Q: What do you call a deer that can't see?
A: No "eye deer."
https://i.imgur.com/qZV215Z.pnghttps://i.imgur.com/qZV215Z.png

haha, very funny, cant stop laughing:pudency:

[bone]

Instead of wall-of-text, why dont we upload image? Or meme?

[__AND1__]

Instead of wall-of-text, why dont we upload image? Or meme?

https://i.pinimg.com/236x/48/0d/52/480d5252b46252eeb5b5392809711281--english-memes-class-memes.jpg

[zzchaolegionzz]

Who's listening to this song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Cw1ng75KP0
How do I get you a loan?

https://forums.voz.vn/attachment.php?attachmentid=987091&amp;stc=1&amp;d=1569225894

[IAT]

Do we accept some dark jokes here? I have tons to share with you.
A non-dark one for rehearsal :shame:

A murderer is to be executed by electric chair and the priests asks if he has any last request.
The man asks for the priest to hold his hand. Needless to say, the priest was shocked.

[zzchaolegionzz]

Q: What do you call a deer that can't see?
A: No "eye deer."
https://i.imgur.com/qZV215Z.pnghttps://i.imgur.com/qZV215Z.png
Yeah, no idea :beauty:



Do we accept some dark jokes here? I have tons to share with you.
A non-dark one for rehearsal :shame:

A murderer is to be executed by electric chair and the priests asks if he has any last request.
The man asks for the priest to hold his hand. Needless to say, the priest was shocked.
Brilliant! Give me more :adore:

[IAT]

Yeah, no idea :beauty:
Brilliant! Give me more :adore:

One more, about a man :shame:

Why do black people only have nightmares?

The last one who had a dream got shot 972209

[zzchaolegionzz]

One more, about a man :shame:

Why do black people only have nightmares?

The last one who had a dream got shot 972209
Is he Martin Luther King? Then it is not really a joke :surrender:

[IAT]

Is he Martin Luther King? Then it is not really a joke :surrender:

Why not :shame:

One more:

Vladimir Putin and Kim Jong Un are discussing their countries, and decide to have a contest to see whose soldiers are more obedient. They are in a hotel at the top of a mountain near a cliff.

Vladimir Putin instructs a soldier to run and jump off the cliff. The soldier says "Please Putin, I have a wife and children!" Putin lets him go.
Kim Jong Un instructs a soldier to jump. The soldier runs to jump off the cliff. Putin grabs him before he can, telling him not to jump. The soldier says "Please Putin, I have a wife and children!"

[zzchaolegionzz]

Why not :shame:

One more:

Vladimir Putin and Kim Jong Un are discussing their countries, and decide to have a contest to see whose soldiers are more obedient. They are in a hotel at the top of a mountain near a cliff.

Vladimir Putin instructs a soldier to run and jump off the cliff. The soldier says "Please Putin, I have a wife and children!" Putin lets him go.
Kim Jong Un instructs a soldier to jump. The soldier runs to jump off the cliff. Putin grabs him before he can, telling him not to jump. The soldier says "Please Putin, I have a wife and children!"
Haha, sad but true. Did you have the source for this kind of joke? I just ask, no need you to provide the source, cause I want to see the post here.

[IAT]

Haha, sad but true. Did you have the source for this kind of joke? I just ask, no need you to provide the source, cause I want to see the post here.

You can search for some subreddits about joke/meme on reddit.com

[pptthh]

You can search for some subreddits about joke/meme on reddit.com

Then he got a free ticket to KIA island :beauty::beauty::beauty:

Gửi từ HUAWEI LYA-L29 bằng vozFApp (http://bit.ly/vozfapp)

[IAT]

Then he got a free ticket to KIA island :beauty::beauty::beauty:

Gửi từ HUAWEI LYA-L29 bằng vozFApp (http://bit.ly/vozfapp)

Really nigga :shame:

[USS Donald J. TrumP]

What do you call a Communist Sniper?

A marx-man https://i.imgur.com/hgSXP8N.png

[hadesviet2]

- What do you give an armless child for Christmas?
- Nothing, he wouldn’t be able to open it anyways.

[IAT]

What do you call a Communist Sniper?

A marx-man https://i.imgur.com/hgSXP8N.png

I was playing Minecraft the other day with a communist friend but couldn’t really enjoy it


He was always saying it should be ‘Ourcraft’ :hug:

[zzchaolegionzz]

I was playing Minecraft the other day with a communist friend but couldn’t really enjoy it


He was always saying it should be ‘Ourcraft’ :hug:
Then his computer will be our computer :beauty:

[Cu Long Ko]

Is he Martin Luther King? Then it is not really a joke :surrender:
It still be a joke, my friend!

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[IAT]

Africa's education grew fast

Nowadays they have to work for 2 years for their masters

Earlier it was 70

[zzchaolegionzz]

Best bargaining ever

https://i.redd.it/rdxv6hhdrus31.jpg

[IAT]

If you have any question regarding my jokes, feel free to ask me :gach:

One more:
What does food and dark humor have in common?
Not everyone gets it.

[zzchaolegionzz]

If you have any question regarding my jokes, feel free to ask me :gach:

One more:
What does food and dark humor have in common?
Not everyone gets it.
Its so obvious :gach:
You are the promising one of this thread, keep going :byebye:

[IAT]

Its so obvious :gach:
You are the promising one of this thread, keep going :byebye:

Thank bro :beauty:

What's the difference between me and cancer? My dad didn't beat cancer.

[hoabantrang68]

Any new joke?

[jude1903]

Africa's education grew fast

Nowadays they have to work for 2 years for their masters

Earlier it was 70

SO DARK I LIKE

keep goin', come back to life please

[2tay3toong]

Instead of wall-of-text, why dont we upload image? Or meme?
I think the image or meme is better too :adore:

[brucewaynemorning]

I think the image or meme is better too :adore:
Funny memes version 2 isn't it?:beauty:

[alkni01]

good topic, training write skill :D

[Rickyson]

Voted 5 star

via vozForums (https://itunes.apple.com/app/id1269155623) for iPhone

[IAT]

I'm back dude :matrix:. This time I have a long story for you :shot:

A black boy goes into the kitchen...

where his mother is baking and accidentally pulls the flour over onto his head. He turns to his mother and says, “Look Mama, I’m a white boy!” His mother smacks him and says, “Go tell your Daddy what you just said!” The boy finds his father and says, “Look Daddy, I’m a white boy!” His Daddy bends him over, spanks him, stands the boy back up, and says, “Now, what do you have to say for yourself?” The boy replies, “I’ve only been a white boy for five minutes and I already hate you black people!”

[manhhuy02]

I'm back dude :matrix:. This time I have a long story for you :shot:

A black boy goes into the kitchen...

where his mother is baking and accidentally pulls the flour over onto his head. He turns to his mother and says, “Look Mama, I’m a white boy!” His mother smacks him and says, “Go tell your Daddy what you just said!” The boy finds his father and says, “Look Daddy, I’m a white boy!” His Daddy bends him over, spanks him, stands the boy back up, and says, “Now, what do you have to say for yourself?” The boy replies, “I’ve only been a white boy for five minutes and I already hate you black people!”
Ha ha, so funny bro, keep going

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[newbieinvoz]

I'm too lazy for reading your wall-of-text :canny:

I'm too lazy to fix your grammar:gach:

[2tay3toong]

Any story new ?

[IAT]

https://2.pik.vn/20192a9cfc9b-1cef-4ae4-9bd2-50a37d66ffa9.jpg

[Absent]

https://pics.me.me/hi-jack-im-jack-well-if-you-say-so-28484686.png

Hijack air plane:beauty::beauty::beauty:

[newbieinvoz]

Any new joke?
how about this?
https://i.imgur.com/CIor2g2.jpg

[newbieinvoz]

Any story new ?

not a story but I hope it makes you laugh
https://i.imgur.com/cGEt6qM.jpg

[desertwind.pn]

Anyone here enjoys puns? I think jokes are nothing without puns.

Puns make me numb, but math puns make me...

number

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[zzchaolegionzz]

I'm back with another dad joke:
If A is for Apple, B is for Banana then what is C for?

[gaconmoino2015]

Thank bro :beauty:

What's the difference between me and cancer? My dad didn't beat cancer.
Too dark, bro :stick: :stick: :stick:

[cartoons]

I'm back with another dad joke:
If A is for Apple, B is for Banana then what is C for?

Cunt-cumber :beauty::beauty:

[zzchaolegionzz]

Cunt-cumber :beauty::beauty:
That was also what I expected :beauty: but the answer is C4 the dynamite :look_down:

[light_slayer_679]

- Why doesn't Ed have a girlfriend?
- Because Sheeran.

[shi2510]

Africa's education grew fast

Nowadays they have to work for 2 years for their masters

Earlier it was 70

I don't gets it :stick:

[skyfront]

I don't gets it :stick:

Master degree and master/slaves :nosebleed:

[shi2510]

Master degree and master/slaves :nosebleed:

https://2.pik.vn/2020a3e8a30c-a81f-420b-99f4-0e6c12c10644.jpg
:stick::stick::stick:

[thanhbinh.hanoi]

https://2.pik.vn/2020a3e8a30c-a81f-420b-99f4-0e6c12c10644.jpg
:stick::stick::stick:

:beauty::beauty:

[Vilking]

5/4 of people admit that they’re bad with fractions.